Strawberries at Wimbledon (A Short Story) Read online

  Except he wasn't hers and he was single so he could do whatever he bloody wanted. It was funny, over the years the knowledge that he was out there somewhere, getting on with his life, perhaps in a long-term relationship, hadn't bothered her that much. On the occasions he'd fluttered through her head, she'd hoped he was happy, had found someone to be happy with. It hadn't been her back then, at uni, when they were both still practically children. She hadn't been ready for him and the life he wanted. It was only fair therefore that he would have moved on. Meaning she had absolutely no right to feel jealousy or longing when faced with him now, with another woman.

  But, seeing him, spending time with him again, had changed everything. He wasn't some faded, ghost-of-boyfriend-past out in the world, he was here and real, and still lovely… as well as hotter than ever. She was super aware of him, of her physical reaction, her skin tingling, feeling breathless, a throbbing between her thighs. She couldn't stop staring at his lean hips in the tight jeans, her eyes creeping upwards to focus on the bicep that bulged in his arm when he lifted the glass to drain his drink. As he slipped out of the girl's grasp and turned to the barman, he still had the best arse she'd ever seen on a guy. Her mouth dropped open at the taut curve of it.

  Maybe the jagged jealousy was also because of his offer, the awareness that she could be rolling around naked with him if she wanted to, having a great time, and the thought of him doing it with the brunette instead gave her a sick feeling.

  Lily had said sex with an ex would be perfect.

  Adam had agreed.

  She wanted him. It would give them closure.

  Her feelings were all over the place, but maybe one hot night of unbelievable sex would crystallize them and she could deal with them, whatever that might look like. He was probably leaving in a few months so the chances of running into him again would be reduced. Or maybe it wouldn’t be as good as she remembered between them and that would help get rid of the nostalgic gooey feelings.

  Lily said she was responsible all the time, and needed to live a little. Maybe she was right, maybe Rayne needed to let the bad girl - the one she’d been in that lost year before uni - out of her cage for a while. At least she’d be safe doing that with Adam. No matter how many years had trickled past, she still trusted him implicitly not to do anything to consciously hurt her.

  And if it's a choice between her or me, I know which one is preferable. Squashing down every good girl instinct she had, shutting down all sensible thoughts, she marched straight up to Adam and tapped him on the shoulder.

  Swinging around, he grinned. 'Hello, you. I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon.'

  Rising on tiptoes she planted a whopper of a kiss on him, pulling him close by the back pockets of his jeans.

  It was scorching hot and intense. As his hands slid up into her hair without hesitation and he kissed her back, the years fell away and she was back in halls again, kissing the boy she loved. Except he was an even better kisser now, nibbling on her lower lip, tongue seeking hers sensuously. Rubbing herself against him she made a soft mmmm, totally forgetting they were in public.

  There was a distant huffing sound before a pair of noisy heels clicked away. Presumably the brunette stalking off.

  When they came up for air she simply looked at him and said. 'Yes. Now.'

  Grabbing her hand he spun around to Flynn, Lily and a few other stragglers. 'Sorry guys, we’ve got somewhere to be.'

  Lily gaped at Rayne, eyes round. Slowly an approving twinkle filtered into them and she winked. ‘It’s okay, I’ll get a taxi home.’ She offered, ‘Or Flynn can give me a lift home?’

  'Sure,' Flynn agreed eagerly. ‘I was designated driver tonight anyway, so I haven’t been drinking.’

  'Fine. No funny business though.' Adam joked.

  Lily punched him in the arm, blushing. 'Ha ha. We're not in halls any more, Adam. I can take care of myself.'

  Flynn nodded at Adam. ‘I’ll get her home safe.’

  Rayne leaned in and gave Lily a hug and kiss on the cheek. 'Thanks, speak tomorrow.'

  'Definitely.' Lily whispered, 'And remember my plan. Great sex, no emotions.'

  'Of course.' Pulling back and trying for a look that said I'm not stupid!

  'Come on,' Adam tugged on a belt loop at the back of her shorts.

  'Yes.' She turned back to him, grabbed his hand, palm sliding against hers. Her fingers tightened and she watched his pale blue eyes start to burn. 'I'm ready.’

  ‘A hot tub? Really? Wow.' Rayne swept out onto the decking at the back of the luxury flat after a long car journey across town. Adam had offered to call a cab but Rayne preferred to have her own transport, and needed her zippy little car for work the next day. How the hell she was going to type today’s stories up, she didn’t know. Possibly with a mega-early start and hiding from her editor until they were done. Right at this moment, she couldn’t quite bring herself to care. Unprecedented for her. Men never came above her work.

  ‘Nice, huh?’ he mused.

  'Impressive.' She studied the massive tub as he hefted the lid off and pressed a few buttons on the side.

  'I can afford it.' He shrugged, as lime green lights came on and the water started to bubble gently. 'Want to take a dip? It'll only take a few minutes to heat up.' His eyes darkened. 'We never did make use of the jacuzzi at Lily's parents place.'

  'That's right, we didn't.'

  She could remember that Friday evening so clearly, staying at the exclusive Kensington house while Lily's mum and dad were in the Caribbean. She and Adam were down from Loughborough so he could attend an interview for the work placement as part of his degree. She'd already secured her own forty week placement at a regional newspaper based on the outskirts of Surrey, commutable from her grandparents’ house. It would be strange living with them, especially after living in a small flat with Adam for a year, but it made financial sense, and they were willing for Adam to move in too if he could get a placement in London or surrounds.

  He’d been striking out so far and his mood had darkened over the course of the previous two days. Rayne knew he was starting to get desperate. The problem was, his mum had called him home for a few weeks due to some emergency issue at Parsons and he’d all but missed the window for applications, and assistance from the uni to help him get a placement. Therefore a lot of the placements had been filled. She’d had a sneaking suspicion Tamara might have done it on purpose.

  He'd returned that evening wearing his best suit, looking very mature and respectable for a twenty year old. She'd leapt out of the six-man jacuzzi in a tiny black bikini, slightly sozzled on white wine, eager to know how he'd got on. Hurling herself at him, she looped her arms around the back of his neck, boobs squashed against his hard chest. 'What happened? What happened? Did they love you? They must have loved you.'

  He pushed her away, gesturing to his suit jacket. 'What are you doing? Look at the state of this thing.' He held the expensive material away from his body between finger and thumb, frowning. 'You've probably ruined it.'

  Her face dropped. She hated it when he was like this, so stiff and formal. When he was stressed, the neat-freak thing was worse. 'Most guys would be thrilled to have their hot girlfriends greeting them in a wet bikini,’ she accused, half teasing, half angry.

  'Maybe I'm not most guys.' He threw her a look.

  Disdain? Disappointment? It was the way his mum looked at her on their rare visits to his family home. The thing was, she could almost ignore it from Tamara. But not from Adam.

  He ran a hand through his hair. 'Sorry.'

  'I know,' she sighed, her lazy, relaxing afternoon dropping away. 'So,' she stepped back, wrapping her arms around her suddenly chilly skin, 'how did it go?'

  'Fine.' He replied flatly. 'I'm going to go and change out of these damp clothes and have a shower.' His mouth turned down, jaw tight.

  Sympathy coursed through her. This wasn't him, not really. He was usually only like this when his mum talked about his future at Parsons o
r made pointed comments about daughters of friends they'd seen at social events, and what a good match they'd be for him.

  Most of the time he was her caring, kind boyfriend. Relaxed, playful and supportive.

  Reminding herself of that she forced a cheerful smile. 'Wanna join me in the jacuzzi instead of taking a shower?'

  'We'll see.' His lips squeezed together.

  Which meant no, when he was in this mood. It was best to leave him to it until he'd worked through whatever was bugging him. Was it ridiculous that she wanted to cry? She'd been so excited for him about the interview, and about a whole weekend away together in a nice house once the interviews were over, the sights of London to be explored together.

  So she tried again, in case he was willing to share. 'Do you want to talk about it?'

  'No. I don't.' He raised his voice, making her jump. 'Just leave me alone, okay?'

  Turning away, 'Okay,' she muttered, standing up and climbing out of the tub. Grabbing a towelling robe off the side, she wrestled her way into it, the fabric catching on her wet skin. 'I'll turn the jacuzzi off.'

  ‘I can’t do this.’ Adam’s voice froze her in position.

  ‘Can’t do what?’

  ‘I can’t go on pretending that I’m happy. That I’m okay with this being my life.’

  ‘What do you mean, Adam?’ she asked tremulously, eyes tearing up and fear closing her throat.

  ‘I’m miserable,’ he ran his hands through his hair, clutching handfuls in his palms as if to pull it out.

  ‘With me?’ she whispered, feeling like he’d punched her. Winded. Unable to breath.

  ‘What? God no, of course not!’ Crossing the patio he hugged her tight, then pushed her away so she could see his face. ‘I hate the degree. I’m bored out of my brain and can’t stand the thought of another two years studying something I have zero interest in and couldn’t care less about. Mum is putting pressure on me to work at Parsons for my placement if uni will let me. Meaning I’d be home for a year.’ He yanked the knot in his tie down and wrenched the whole thing over his head. Turning his back on her he stalked into the lounge. Unfreezing, she ran after him, needing to understand what he was saying.

  ‘And?’ she sank down beside him where he was sat on the sofa hunched forward, arms hanging between his legs.

  ‘I can’t do this. I can’t go back. I’m not ready. I feel suffocated just at the thought.’ He undid a button on his shirt and took both of her hands in his, clutching so hard she could barely feel her fingers. ‘And I’ve realised that I don’t ever want to go back. Not now, and not in two years time. I need to see the world. I need to see some of the things that you’ve seen. See the sun set in the Sahara, watch the Northern Lights swirl up and fill the sky.’ His eyes, that had been so anxious and dull, started filling with excitement. ‘I’m dropping out, Ray. I’m not going to live the life Mum wants me to. I’m going to live the life I want to. Maybe it’s selfish but I can’t sacrifice my whole life, my chance of happiness to make her happy. She can find someone else to run it. I don’t want it, or deserve it, feeling like I do. Dad would have understood. We weren’t close just before he died, there was too much going on with Mum and the business, but when I was younger he talked about regret sometimes. He had many, and taking over the business young was one of them.’

  ‘What are you saying Adam? If you’re dropping out of uni, what does that mean? What do you mean, see the world?’ There was a tumbling, roaring feeling inside her head, and she felt dizzy.

  ‘I want to go abroad and work for a charity. I’ve been looking into it-’

  ‘You have? You didn’t say anything.’ Because he’d already started to pull away from her? ‘You want me to wait for you? How long for?’

  ‘I wasn’t sure…I was just exploring my options, but after today…after the interview I called the charity I’ve been discussing this with, and they’d be pleased to have me. I could leave in the next few weeks. I’m sure this is what I want to do. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask you to wait that long, particularly as I don’t know how long I’m going for. Come with me, Ray. We’ll spend two years, maybe three, travelling overseas, volunteering or working for good causes. I still have part of the trust fund I accessed when I was eighteen-’

  ‘What?’ she gulped. ‘But what about my degree? I’m going to start my placement in a few months. I worked really hard to get it. Then my final year…What are you asking me to do? Give up my dream for yours?’

  He stared at her like he’d never seen her before. ‘You can defer for a year or two. Or get a placement abroad. We’ll work something out. You could get some international experience.’

  Jerking her hands away from his, she got up, stumbling backwards over the long robe. ‘But it’s all set up. And I don’t want to defer. I want to work at that paper and then finish my degree before moving here permanently. I’ve moved around my whole life, Adam, you know that. The last two years, being in one place, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. I need roots, I need certainty.’ Her voice was rising, choked with tears. ‘I can’t believe you’re asking this of me, just dropping it on me. I can’t believe you would ask that I abandon everything I’ve worked so hard for-’

  He sprang up, ‘I can’t believe you won’t come with me, or even consider it. I thought it was us, you and me together. Please, Ray. Come with me. You love me, I know you do.’

  ‘It’s not about that. Of course I love you, but in the same way you feel suffocated by the thought of Parsons, I feel suffocated by the thought of being rootless for however many years it takes to satisfy this need, this travel bug, in you.’ Wrapping her arms around her waist. ‘It wouldn’t feel like an adventure Adam, like it would for you, it would feel like,’ groping for the right words, ‘a prison sentence.’

  ‘You won’t even think about it?’ his voice was filled with disbelief. ‘Talk to your grandparents and the university, maybe speak to the paper and see if they’d be willing to hold the position for a while?’

  He looked torn and she ached to go to him and tell him what he wanted to hear, soothe him with her touch but her feet wouldn’t move. ‘No, because that’s not what I want. I’m sorry.’ She couldn’t believe that twenty minutes ago they’d been in love and planning a future together, and now with this bombshell, they were talking about the unthinkable. The end of them.

  Tears started rolling down her face, accompanied by big, fat sobs. ‘Are you really sure about this?’ she cried. ‘You can’t quit uni and tell your mum you’re saying no to the family business, and then find a job here in the city?’

  He shook his head, face pale, blue irises glassy. ‘No. I need to get away. I need freedom.’ His tone hardened. ‘So you have to make a choice, Ray. It’s me. Or your career. You can’t have both. What are you going to do?’

  Rayne faltered. She thought about the nights they’d spent together, curled up in bed, his arms holding her close. The way he made love to her, like he couldn’t get enough and never would. The wonderful support he’d given her over the last two years in dealing with her grief. The laughter, and late nights, and friendship they’d shared. She didn’t want to give that up, was not sure if she could bear to. But then she thought about dropping out of uni, of calling the paper and telling them she wouldn’t be starting in October, of travelling the world like she had when she was younger. Never staying in one place more than three months at a time, leaving new friends behind each time, having no proper home.

  She couldn’t do it again. She had too much here that she wanted.

  Looking at him helplessly, she shook her head in despair.

  ‘I guess I have my answer then,’ he answered grimly, marching from the room and reappearing no more than thirty seconds later with his bag half unzipped with clothes spilling out of it.

  Rayne bolted up from her spot on the sofa. ‘Please, Adam, wait.’

  ‘You’ve made your decision.’ He threw open the door.

  She grabbed his arm and tugged him back by the shirt s
leeve. ‘Just wait, let’s sleep on it-’

  ‘I’ve been living a lie for two years, I can’t do it a minute longer.’

  ‘But you’re asking me to sacrifice my happiness for yours,’ she flung back at him furiously, ‘so how are you any better than your mum?’

  His jaw clenched and he stumbled out of the house, gazing up at her from the gravel driveway for what would turn out to be the last time in nearly five years. ‘Maybe I’m not any better than her.’ Hoisting his bag on his shoulder, he backed away before twisting around and breaking into a run.

  He left her there alone, staring after him, her heart breaking into tiny pieces in her chest.

  They stared across the hot tub at each other, in their shared recollection of that night.

  'You made me feel horrible.' She said softly. ‘You put me on the spot and gave me an impossible choice.’

  'I know.' He ran a hand through his hair. 'I'm so sorry. The only thing I can say is that I was young, and felt trapped and desperate. I should have spoken to you sooner. About how awful I was feeling and what I was thinking of doing. I should have given you more time, but there was this little voice in my head overruling everything else. Run away, run away, run away. I was scared that if I didn’t leave straight away, Mum would somehow convince me to stay.'

  Tucking her hair behind her ears for something to do, because there was no way she was prepared for a conversation this heavy. 'That's the problem with relationships when you're young, isn't it?’ she sighed. ‘There's too much chance of miscommunication, you're not mature enough to deal with the big things.’

  'Maybe. Or maybe we just wanted different things back then. The time wasn’t right for us.’ Adam glanced away, tapping a few buttons on the hot tub, so that jets of water shot out. ‘I must admit that I was angry with you for a long time. But after a while I understood the choice you made. Because apart from that argument, we’d always got on, we complemented each other. We were happy, right?’